Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Mental Detox: Wednesday Worries

Warning: Personal Rant Below 

Decisions have been an issue for me lately. Not just big decisions, but small choices that your average person could make without expending one ounce of mental energy. For example: 

Do you want pasta for dinner? What kind of cheese in your sandwich? Red wine or white? Do you want to run or cycle? Which pajamas should I wear tonight? Do I want coffee or tea? Olive oil or canola? Walk through Dupont Circle or down 21st? Run the dishwasher now or later? Do I want to watch the Bachelorette or catch up on Pretty Little Liars? 

I've been having so much trouble making any decisions that, to anyone outside my head, I'm acting very strangely. Yesterday when deciding how to get to 18th street to drop of a bar assignment I was so indecisive that I ended up walking about a mile farther than I needed to. I'll consistently drink half a cup of coffee, then change my mind and make tea. I started to go for a run this morning, only to get a mile out, turn around and head to the gym to do a spinning class. I'm in the middle of 4 (count them) books right now. Deciding which one to read at bedtime is epic. The only decision I feel I made correctly this week was the Bachelorette. Doesn't Desiree realize that her contestants all might be closeted gays? I mean, I'm cool with whoever you want to do-si-do with, but that girl must be blind. 

Anyway. My point is that small choices have started to take over my brain. I've been recognizing, more and more, that this is because - for now- I feel I have very little control over the bigger course of my life. The bar, as big of a pain as it is, is sort of a grace period, where everyone understands that I'm allowed to be an unemployed money-suck, but what happens if I'm still not employed in September? October? I could go on. Lets face it - the economy still sucks. There are a ton of jobs in DC that I'm perfectly qualified for here, but for every job there is someone else also perfectly qualified who knows somebody that I don't. (I know, I know - NETWORK! I am! Less than I was before studying, but I still eek out a coffee or happy hour now and then, I have one this afternoon, leave me alone I'M NETWORKING). 

The point is...all this studying, all the school with no job in sight, it's a free-fall. I am not a free-fall type of gal. I am the epitome of a type-A control freak cleans the counters three times a day type of gal. I can out-worry anyone here, that I guarantee you. However, I am driving myself ever-so-slightly more insane with every job application I fill out or cover letter I write. The attitude of "no one is even going to read this" isn't helping me. It isn't helping anyone.  I have to trust that my hard work (and winning personality - of course) are going to get me there in the end. For now, I just need to focus on taking one day at a time. Slow it down, study my ass off, and stop worrying. I'm a lucky girl - I have a wonderful support system of people that won't let me fall too far. I knew I needed to get out of the midwest, so I opted to move to a new and more competitive place where I have far fewer connections. My heart was in policy and advocacy, in finding a job I could feel good about doing. That means I'll have to work that much harder to forge a career for myself. I have a feeling that it will all be worth it; I just have to trust. 

It's really okay if - just for a little while - I don't know whether I want swiss or provolone on my sandwich. If I can't decide between red and white wine, I do love a dry rose. 


  1. Aww...I hope you don't get too stressed out. You just want to make the best decision all the time. There's no problem with that. I definitely have my indecisive moments -- especially when deciding on food or what to do with friends. We'll literally sit there for a good 20 minutes trying to decide.

    Haha and on another note...I love The Bachelorette and PLL!!!! I need to catch up on this week's PLL episode...soon enough. I couldn't agree more. For some reason Drew seems like he may swing for the other team to me. I know he's a pretty boy, but yikes. I liked Brooks all along, but Monday's episode made me think he was getting a little nervous. Can't wait for next week!

    1. The bachelorette is my guilty pleasure! Its so horrible and worthless, but somehow watching is is a great de-stressor!

  2. nice blog ;)